I cannot live, I cannot die!
On Fri, Jun02, 2017 7:56pm America/Phoenix
I cannot live, I cannot die!
(Scene opens on the screened-in porch at the 420 residence. There is a large, circular, wooden picnic table with the wraparound bench towards the right side of the porch next to the sliding glass door leading into the house. To the left side of the porch sits a couple of speakers, a large kegerator with 2 taps, and a few nice, leather lounge chairs. Tinordi is seated, wearing a pair of grey lacrosse shorts, a black Family Guy shirt (showing the family as different superheroes), a green 420 floppy hat and a pair of sunglasses. He is drinking from a large stein. Glazebrook is laid back in one and also drinking from a large stein. He is wearing a pair of khaki shorts, a red Corliss Williamson Arkansas Razorbacks basketball jersey, and a pair of sunglasses.) Tinordi - Whaddup, Cameraman? Glazebrook - Hey, how's it going? Cameraman - Hey guys... Tinordi - We're getting closer to Mayhem this Sunday, and St. Louis better be getting ready for a show. Glazebrook - Yeah, dude... cause ready or not, here we come! Tinordi - And that goes double for those cats that call themselves, Pure Darkness? Glazebrook - (Singing) Darkness! Imprisoning me, all that I see, absolute horror! Tinordi - I would say it would be time for us to turn the lights out on these guys, but that would imply that at one time or another, there was a light on. And I don't know about you, but I haven't seen any signs of that with these 2. Glazebrook - Yeah, dude... You got the big, clumsy, oaf Black Tom or Tom Black. This guy is about as crooked as his teeth. Then, you got Father John up there preaching to his little cult followers. This guy is talking about us, calling us sinners and addicts. Meanwhile, his partner is twitching and scratching more than Tyrone Biggums. Tinordi - Yeah, dude. This bothered me the last time we met these guys. The good ol' Bishop of Hereford wants to quote this book called "The Bible" all the time and preach what he considers "God's word" to anyone who will listen. Well, it just so happens that I picked up a copy of this book... Glazebrook - Nah, dude... we stole it from the last hotel we stayed at. Tinordi - Dude! Glazebrook - Oh, yeah... sorry. Tinordi - As I was saying, I was reading this book that you put so much stock in and found a couple interesting things in it. Such as this... "And God said, Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which [is] upon the face of all the earth, and every tree, in the which [is] the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat." Glazebrook - Hmm... interesting... Tinordi - Then there is this... "Every moving thing that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things." Glazebrook - It sounds like God is all about man using the herbs in whatever way he would see fit. Tinordi - And yet, you talk about us like we're a bunch of sinners and try to cast us to hell. But your book says otherwise. Glazebrook - It's just like everything else that comes out of your mouths. Big Bad Black Tom wants to talk about how we are stains in his reign. Man... even if that were true, I don't know how you would notice yet another stain between the stains on your teeth... Tinordi - ... and in your underwear... Glazebrook - ... and on your bed sheets... Tinordi - ... and in.. wait a minute. This guy sleeps in a cave. Do you really think he has a bed? Much less sheets to go on this bed? Glazebrook - Yeah, dude... good point. Tinordi - These guys say they want to end our careers? Trust me, boys... much better men have come along and tried to do just that. So, you will join a long list of tag teams who just could not get the job done. Glazebrook - They also said we have the IQ of gorillas... Which is funny, because I know Tom Black can't even spell IQ. And as a matter of fact, that's why he refers to us as 000, because he can't count to four hundred and twenty. Unfortunately, this doesn't stop him from saying things like he's going to make us homeless. What does that even mean? And coming from you? Tinordi - Yeah, dude. Don't you live in a cave? Maybe, you're just lonely and hoping that somebody will one day join you and your pet rock in God knows where. Well, no thanks. We prefer things like air conditioning, electricity, television... Glazebrook - Yeah, dude... I'm willing to bet you don't get Sportscenter in your humble dwelling there. Tinordi - But anyway, I'm tired of talking about these fools. A few weeks ago, we did square off in the ring and it turned out that we gave you guys the biggest victory of your careers. But not this time, boys. We've watched the tapes, we know our strengths and your weaknesses all too well. Your secondary school coach said to bring the pain? Frankly, I'm not surprised that you would quote a secondary school coach, considering that you never even made it to high school. But that's neither here nor there. Glazebrook - But you know what is almost here? This Sunday. And there is where we will show you what it means to step in the ring with 2 finely tuned athletic specimens that work together like a well oiled machine fueled by the highest octane. Face it, guys. You are simply out-classed, out-witted, out-matched, over-hyped, over-rated, and over-powered. Tinordi - You're about to step in the ring with 420, which means you're about be treated like a roach... and smoked. (Glazebrook takes a large hit from the bong and exhales the smoke directly into the camera until it engulfs the entire shot, then fades to black.)