If you're in a Maze, you're probably doing it wrong...

Roleplay Roleplay by BOB THE BEAST MELLON
On Thu, Dec14, 2017 11:37pm America/Phoenix
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If you're in a Maze, you're probably doing it wrong...
(Bob Mellon has bought a car that is driving him to the east end of Long Island. Mellon has brought along an entire camera crew as he embarks on a pilgrimage to better understand Tom Black and his general demeanor. Mellon seems giddy at the idea of actually experiencing the world through Tom Black's eyes. The drive takes roughly two and a half hours. The sun has gone down and it is well into the evening on a cold night. When they get out of the car there isn't much sound. No lights and no traffic on the road. The camera crew then realizes that they are about to embark on a mini-expedition through a cornfield maze. The maze is generally for children and families to do during the daytime but Mellon was able to pull some strings considering his stature. The crew sets up their equipment and prepares for the march to the center of the maze..)

Mellon: I would like to welcome you all on my "Getting to Know You" special on Tom Black. See, I think I may have jumped the gun on this guy. He is a little misunderstood. Maybe I was too hard on him. He seems prideful and maybe, just maybe I hurt his feelings. All in all, I'm an openminded individual so let's see what is so special about going through a maze in the dark...

(Mellon urges the camera crew to follow him into the dark maze)

Mellon: You see, as we enter the maze, we can really get a sense for what Tom must be thinking in these scenarios. Mazes force you to think and be cerebral. I know what many of you are thinking, and yes, I agree, that seems like a stretch for Tom, but let's give him the benefit of the doubt here. This is not easy stuff when all the lights are off....... Anyway, as you can see, feeling around in the dark takes great skill. Now we are going to round this corner here and see where it goes. Oh no, a dead end. Must be the other way. You must be wondering why I took you all out to a maze. At the center of this maze, I have something very important for Tom. That's our goal tonight. With it, he could, in fact, learn a valuable lesson about going toe to toe with me. Without it, well... you'll see.

(Mellon waves the camera crew on)

Mellon: Keep following me. We're getting close. I can sense it because "I'm one with the dark." Did that sound like Tom? I was trying to sound like a douche. He is the alpha douche after all. I feel like I accomplished that but who knows. He'll probably cut a huge promo telling me what a douche should actually sound like. You know, come to think of it, Tom is like that annoying guy at the party who is always there saying, "Well, actually..." and making us all listen to how smart he thinks he is. Tom is our little "Well, Actually". Aw, that's adorable. He just wants to fit in. Let's let him fit in. That's why I'm here tonight. To experience what I can and understand the "Dark One." 

(Mellon rounds a corner and stops)

Mellon: I think we're almost there. 17 speech defunctions? So according to Merriam-Webster, a book Tom knows intimately, a defunction means death or the act of dying. So according to Tom, I have 17 speech deaths or 17 speech acts of dying. I know words are hard, Tom. No worries though because we are almost to the center of this magical maze where the very gift I have for you will help not only with our match but also words and sentence structure as well. I never like to give grammar lessons so we'll just let you figure it out as you go. However, the point of a promo is so people understand what you mean by how you say it. You'll get it. Aha! We're here! 

(Mellon walks to the center of the maze where we faintly see a small table with something on top of it)

Mellon: I actually didn't think this maze was too hard but everyone handles challenges to the best of their ability. Tom has his difficulties after all.  Anyway, can we pull the camera around here to what I have for Tom? Get a good look. Really zoom in on what I have here....

(The camera zooms in on what looks like a toy brain. The crew chuckles, trying to hold in their laughs)

Mellon: Here we have my gift to you, Tom. It's a brain, scarecrow. A brain! You had mentioned that I needed to get out of the 1930's but it's just so hard sometimes to do what you ask of me. So here's a wonderful 1939 reference for you. Now, what can one do with a brain? Well, first of all, they can learn. If I were you, (solid use of the subjunctive) I would spend the next couple of days learning how to deal with a defeat. Very important. What else can we do with a brain? We can read with a brain! I suggest you start reading a bit more. It will only help that pesky grammar and you could learn so many new words too! Like "defunction." I'm trying to remember what else we can do with a brain? Oh, that's right, REMEMBER!! With this, you can remember how much you suck at everything you do. That's going to be great for self-assessment. Oh, and what is one more thing you can do with a brain that may be pretty helpful for your future encounters with me? Knowledge. Like the knowledge to know when to shut up. The knowledge to know when you're not ready for this. The knowledge to know you are nothing more than a hack. The knowledge to know what a legend is and that you will never amount to more than just a jobbing, pathetic, waste of everyone's time and money. Oh, a brain can take you pretty far... Just not all the way to the International Championship. 

(Mellon takes the toy brain and throws it up and out of the center of the maze)

Mellon: Now you listen here, punk. I'm tired of the nonsense with you. I'm tired of the BS. You don't step in my ring and push me around. Why am I the International Champion?  Because I'm no slouch. I come out to work and complete the task at hand. You should be lucky they haven't stripped you of your number 1 contender spot with the product you put out daily. This is charity work for me. This is all for a show. The division, with the exception of me, is a joke and you're the biggest joke in it. At least Krimzon has the wherewithal to understand he needs to step up his game. That he wasn't living up to expectation. You march back into the limelight with one week of hard work and you think you're walking away with my title? You're a damn joke and I will show you that on Saturday. Then I will repeat the joke again at Holiday Hell. Get that damn camera out of my face... Oh, and one last thing. If you're in a maze it doesn't matter how great the performer is. The promo still sucks. (Mellon pushes the cameraman down) 

(Screen fades to black)

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