Oh Captain, my captain

Roleplay Roleplay by MATT GLAZEBROOK
On Thu, Mar05, 2015 11:49pm America/Phoenix
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Oh Captain, my captain
(Scene opens in a dark basement.  A few black-lights are set up and turned on, but this is the only light we see.  The camera seems to be descending down a staircase as it pans over the walls of the hallway, which are covered in graffiti.  It’s all written in yellow highlighter and glows as the black-light hits it.  Various drawings (a giant mushroom, a $1 bill with what appears to be a hand rolled cigarette hanging out of George Washington’s mouth, etc.) and quotes and phrases (“Glazed like a donut”, “Floyd, the five dollar, freaked out, French fry eating, Fair Oaks Flea Market kat with a “k”) fill the walls of this room.  The sound of button mashing is heard, along with some serious giggling and an occasional cough thrown in.  It seems to be coming from around a corner in this basement, as is the faint glow of a television.  There is a light fog of smoke that seems to get thicker as the camera approaches the corner.  As the camera makes the turn, we see a giant screen TV with Madden 15 being played.  A few feet away from the television is a couch, facing away from the camera is a large silhouette… well, the back of his head anyway. )
Cameraman – Hey Glaze.
(The man turns around startled.  In the faint light, you can make out the face of Matt Glazebrook.  He is wearing a pair of black lacrosse shorts and a white Arkansas Razorbacks football uniform with the number 9 on it.  He takes a big drag of what looks like a full cigarette, then exhales and puts it out in the ashtray, located on the coffee table in front of the couch.)

Glazebrook – Dude… what have we told you about sneaking up on us like that, dude?
Cameraman – Sorry… wait… we?  Us?
Glazebrook – Well… me, anyway.
Cameraman – Ok.  Just making sure Gary wasn’t around or something.
Glazebrook – Nope… not yet, anyway.
Cameraman – Well, tell him I said hey next time you talk to him.
Glazebrook – I will, dude… for sure. 
Cameraman – So what’s the deal with the stuff going on in the WWX offices?
Glazebrook – I don’t know man.  It looks like we have the Bourne Disappearance or something.  Whatever… doesn’t really concern me.  I’m just here to get in the ring and kick some ass.  I could care less who signs the paychecks, you know.  Speaking of getting in the ring, I have a match coming up, don’t I?
Cameraman – You do, indeed.  On Mayhem, in Los Angeles.  You’re up against Francis Teach.
Glazebrook – Francis, as in Francine or Frank?
Cameraman – (laughing a little) Frank.  He is a… he.
Glazebrook – Just asking.  And it’s Teach?  Like, you go to school to learn, not for a fashion show?
Cameraman – I think so?  Francis Teach is the guy’s name.  He’s a new guy.
Glazebrook – Great… I gotta get a hold of my tape guy.  He’s got to dig deeper for footage on new guys.
Cameraman – I am your tape guy.
Glazebrook – Well, remind me to tell you something before you leave when we’re done.
Cameraman – Sure thing, man.
Glazebrook – So, what do you know about this cat?
Cameraman – Not much.  But I got another guy looking into it.
Glazebrook – You got a guy now?  Look at you all big time.  See, what did I tell you?  Stick with me, kid… I’ll take you places.
Cameraman – You guys did tell me that years ago, and I do appreciate what you’ve done for me throughout the years.  But all I know is that this guy is a pirate. 
Glazebrook – A pirate?
Cameraman – Yup.
Glazebrook – Like, with the patch on the eye, and a wooden leg and a parrot on the shoulder, pirate?
Cameraman – Yup.
Glazebrook – Like… Ahoy, me hearties?  Ye be a swashbuckling snook yest ye walk the plank with ya.
Cameraman – Something like that… and they call him “The Captain”.
Glazebrook – Captain?  Like Captain Morgan?
Cameraman – I guess…
Glazebrook – Or Captain Dan…  Maybe he’s talking about Captain America?  Or Captain Munnerlyn?
Cameraman – Ooh, good one…
Glazebrook – You think he’s talking about Captain Planet?  Or maybe Captain Phillips?
Cameraman – Ok, ok… that’s enough.
Glazebrook – You think?  I shouldn’t bring up Captain Kangaroo?
Cameraman – Oh God, no.
Glazebrook – I didn’t even get to Captain Kirk.
Cameraman – That’s a shame.  Maybe next time.

(Glazebrook picks up the abandoned cigarette and re-lights it.  He takes a large puff and holds back a little cough before exhaling a large cloud of smoke.)

Glazebrook – Good point.  So, anyway, I know this Teach dude wants to come up in here all "Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum" like Captain Jack Sparrow, but you'll need more than a Jolly Roger flag with you when you step into the ring and find yourself staring up at 6'7" and 300 pounds of pure athleticism that goes by the name of Matt Glazebrook.  I'll beat you so bad, it'll make scurvy look like a runny nose.  You see, I'm going to make you look more like Captain Hook... and not the Dustin Hoffman version who looks somewhat respectable, but the sneaky, codfish looking, bumbling cartoon character on the Disney channel that gets made a bitch by a bunch of kids on the Neverland Island.  Yeah, dude... I got nieces and nephews.  I know what's up.  I'm going to "teach" you a little lesson here about professional wrestling, and you're first class is all about what happens when you step in the ring with a member of 420... You get treated like a roach... and smoked!

(Glazebrook again hits the joint, then blows out an even bigger cloud of smoke right into the camera, which takes over the whole screen before it fades to black.)

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