Please allow me to bump thee

Roleplay Roleplay by GARY TINORDI
On Sat, Apr07, 2018 8:48pm America/Phoenix
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Please allow me to bump thee
(Scene opens in a dark basement of the 420 residence.  A few black-lights are set up and turned on, but this is the only light we see.  “Wake Up” by Rage Against the Machine is blaring from the direction that the camera is headed towards.  The camera seems to be descending down a staircase as it pans over the walls of the hallway, which are covered in graffiti.  It’s all written in yellow highlighter and glows as the black-light hits it.  Various drawings (a giant mushroom, a $1 bill with what appears to be a hand rolled cigarette hanging out of George Washington’s mouth, a peace frog, etc.) and quotes and phrases (“Bridge the gap.” and “Floyd, the five dollar, freaked out, French fry eating, Fair Oaks Flea Market kat with a “k”) fill the walls of this room.  The camera pans around a corner in this basement, where the faint glow of a television is seen.  There is a light fog of smoke that seems to get thicker as the camera approaches the corner.  As the camera makes the turn, we see a giant screen TV with the closing credits of Clerks being played.  A few feet away from the television is a couch, facing away from the camera and the silhouettes of two grown men… well, the back of their heads anyway.)

Voice 1 – Dude.. The Brown-eyes are going to be nasty next year.  I wouldn't be surprised if they made the playoffs

Voice 2 – Nah, dude... They are still the Browns.  They will do something stupid during the draft and mess it all up.

Voice 1 – Nah, dude.  A QB, probably Sam Darnold, at 1, Saquan Barkley at 4.  Then they have like 5 picks in the 2nd round.  They will be set.

Voice 2 – Barkley is a bad man.

Voice 1 - Yeah, dude... I wouldn't want him in my division.

Voice 2 - We would dominate him.

Voice 1 - Nah, not like against us... I mean, if I were a lesser athlete.  

Cameraman – Hey guys!

(The two men turn around startled.  There is very little light, but you can make out the silhouettes of Matt Glazebrook and Gary Tinordi.)

Glazebrook – Dude, why you creeping up on us like that?

Tinordi – You get shot where I’m from doing that.

Cameraman – It’s me!

Tinordi – (coming in close to the camera, examining it quite extensively) is it now?  Are you sure you’re not someone else?

Cameraman – No… pretty sure I’m me.

Glazebrook – Dude, you could be some program, sent to film us for the masses to study?

Cameraman – Or, I could be your cameraman.  Hey, I’m going to turn the spotlight on.  It’s really dark down here.

Glazebrook – Hold on, before…

(A bright light shines on from the camera, as the two men scream out in pain.)

Tinordi – Bright light!

Glazebrook – What the hell, dude?

(As the camera moves around in front of the television, facing the couch, we can now get a good look at the duo.  Glazebrook is wearing a pair of black lacrosse shorts and a white Arkansas Razorbacks basketball jersey with the number 34 on it.  Tinordi has on a pair of dark blue track pants and an orange Denver Broncos T shirt on.  He is donning a khaki colored floppy hat this evening.)

Cameraman - My bad, guys...

Glazebrook - It's OK.  Just don't let it happen again.

Tinordi - Yeah, dude... so what is up with this shipwreck we are supposed to be getting ourselves into?

Cameraman - It's called Wreckage.  You guys have a 3 way match.

Glazebrook - Nice... Sometimes it takes more than two to tango.

Tinordi - I heard that somewhere.

Cameraman - It is you guys, Hex Girl and Kailee, and a relatively new group here in the WWX... 

Tinordi - Woah!  We get to wrestle a couple chicks?

Glazebrook - Hey baby...

Tinordi - Yeah, dude.  Check this out... we have a 3 way... with a couple chicks.

Glazebrook - Oh yeah!  This is going to be cool.

Cameraman - Umm... I don't think that's quite what will be going on.

Tinordi - So, like, who is this other tag team?

Cameraman - Bo Bruiser and DJ Killer

Glazebrook - A DJ Killer?  Why would you want to kill the DJ?  He's like, the LAST person I would want to kill.

Tinordi - What if he's playing Justin Bieber or something?

Glazebrook - Still, you wouldn't want to be at the party and getting your bump and grind on with some skeezer and then some dude kills the DJ and the record scratches and everyone stops and looks and you're all frozen with the bloody knife like... hey, how's it going, guys?

Tinordi - I hate when that happens.

Glazebrook - See what I mean?  It's not good for business.

Tinordi - Nah, dude.  So, the higher ups here at the X want to see 420 in a 3 way match against a couple of new guys and a couple of old hookers.

Glazebrook - Yeah, dude... it's like 420 vs the spring chickens... and the chicken heads.

Tinordi - Now, we all know damn well that Hex Girl and Kailee know who we are.  They sit up all night and practice making out with their pillows while they talk to the many 420 posters that line their bedroom walls.  You know, we're kind of a hit with the ladies.

Glazebrook - You could say we get our fair share...

Tinordi - But maybe since we got these new guys around, maybe we should do a little, "Please allow me to introduce myself.."

Glazebrook - I don't know, dude... Do you really think we need an introduction?  

Tinordi - No... but are we gonna do it anyway?  Why not?

Glazebrook - Yeah... I guess so.

Tinordi - So, Bruiser and Killer... what you see before you...

Glazebrook - ...what about after you?

Tinordi - Uh... I don't know.  I guess they'll be seeing the back of their eyelids after us.

Glazebrook - Yeah, dude...

Tinordi - So, like, what you basically have here are two beasts of a physical spectacle carved from the finest materials by God himself and set down upon this Earth to wreak havoc upon those who oppose.  You see, we are bigger than the biggest, faster than the fastest, badder than the baddest and just plain better than the best.  We lose more pure athleticism when we sweat than most people could ever hope to attain in their whole lives.  

Glazebrook - Everyone around these parts knows what time it is.  And everyone knows what happens when you step in the ring with 420...

Tinordi - We're going to treat you like a roach and smoke ya!

(Camera zooms out to show the basement again before fading to black.)

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